I thought that I could just have a boyfriend to keep my
exhusband at bay. A boyfriend like I
used to have in college. Go out, date,
maybe a good night kiss. But I quickly
found out they didn't exist. For the
year I was going through my divorce, I wasn't allowed to attend any LDS Singles
events. I was even booted off one of the
online dating sites because I was honest and said my divorce wasn't finished
yet. I made some good LDS friends
online, but they were all too far away to date.
But I quickly found out that non-LDS guys wanted more than a
kiss goodnight. And my resistance was
soooo low. One thing would lead to another, and even if we
stopped short of actual sex, I was still hating myself after. I would drop that guy and try to find
another, with the same results. Even
when I decided I could live with that, the guy wouldn't understand where it
needed to stop, and we would end up going all the way.
I went to my bishop, and explained I kept trying, and
falling, and just couldn't win this addiction.
I was put on probation. I was
told he was giving me time to get it together.
And that is where things stayed.
I finally was officially divorced and started attending
singles events. But this really didn't
help. Single Adult guys are remarkably evasive.
Especially to a newly divorced woman with kids that needed a
husband. Not even casual dates
materialized. At least not with anyone
I felt safe with. The only good way out
would have been to get married again to the first guy that came along, and
believe me, I had many chances, but I just couldn't be with someone who was not
right for me or my kids. But I was so
lonely. I didn't want to fall back into
that trap with one night stands.
Eventually I settled with one guy, a non-member, but a Friend with
Benefits. Someone who I could be with
when things got really bad. But someone
who had other girls he was seeing and did not want a committment from me. This left me free to live my own life. Attend church and singles activities, accept
any dates that came up, and not be tied down.
This went on for a while.
But occasionally my friend would try a relationship, and I was not one
to cheat with him, even if those promises meant nothing to him. If the girlfriend lasted long enough, I would
end up getting in trouble again. I
didn't want that, so I started looking for other options.
Along this time, I also read "The Sin 'Next to Murder'
" https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/pdf/143-34-43.pdf I had been wondering
how I could be such a bad person, but still be recieving all this inspiration
from the Lord regarding jobs he had for me in the singles program. I realized I
was not a bad person, God still loved me, and understood. I began to realize
that adultery and fornication really were two different things, and the one was
not nearly as serious. I still tried to be as good as possible, but felt I
could stay active in the church without feeling condemned. I didn't want to fall away from the church,
but I did realize that just because one man thought something and taught it as
doctrine, didn't mean it came from Heavenly Father. I was
supposed to ponder and pray and decide on my own. I pretty much decided when in doubt, I would
go back to what Joseph Smith taught. And
he did say that there were many things of this world that he couldn't tell us yet,
that would cause us to fall away from the church. I think this is because so many people
brought what they believed from their own churches into ours, that if we
differed too radically, they couldn't believe it.
At this time I really started looking at polygamy. I was starting to understand it. After all, I had a sudo-boyfriend that I
couldn't be jealous of, even caring for him like I did. I was finally understanding how a woman could
allow her husband to have more than one wife.
I was also seeing that if a woman and man (Mary and John) had children
under the temple covenant, and then John died, and this happened with another
sealed family (Susan and Steve) and then Susan died, and then Mary and Steve
got married (sealed) and had kids this could cause problems in the next life.
After all, Mary and Steve still loved their first spouse. But if the couples could accept polygamy and
share, Mary could be with both John and Steve, and John could be with both
Susan and Mary, and everyone could be happy.
Radical thinking, I know. Not
something most Mormons like to imagine.
I had never gotten along with the girls in my high
school. And only made a few girl friends
once I was married (having given up all my guy friends at that time like a good
wife). So girls still terrified me in
some ways. I wanted to overcome
that. The scriptures told us we needed
to be able to accept that "new and everlasting covenant" (i.e.
polygamy) in order to make it to the celestial kingdom. Not live it necessarily, but at least
understand and accept it. How in the
world was one supposed to do that?
I decided that I should try it. Find a woman who was willing to share her
man, and discover what it was all about.
I can't remember now exactly how it came about, but I began talking to
couples who were looking for that "unicorn". The single woman to join them. But it solved my problem. They didn't want someone who would destroy
their relationship. I was free to live
my own life and leave if I found someone with whom I wanted a
relationship. To me, I had to care for
them, it had to mean something, too. The
whole point was I didn't want one night stands.
Eventually I found a man who was not controlling, and his committed
partner who was active in her church and easy to get along with. Not being married, I didn't even have to
question if it was adultery or not. She
even had LDS swinger friends. We hit it
off. I remember the first night, we had
a nice dinner at their house, and took time to get to know each other. I ended up staying. When we began, she asked what I wanted to do,
and I said, "No offense, (to the man), but I know I am ok with guys, I
need to see if I can do this with a woman too." And she said, "No problem" and
leaned forward to kiss me. It was just
like kissing a guy. I was not attracted
really to either of them, but I enjoyed our times together. There was no stress, no jealousy, just
enjoyment, love, and pleasure. They are
happy for me when I am in a relationship, we will always be friends. I imagine when it is the way it is supposed
to be, this is the way polygamy should be.
........
It was very hard for me at one time to understand why the
Lord would tell me to marry someone knowing I would end up in divorce. I almost went inactive then, and obviously
almost did several times since. But I
have always remained faithful and tried to make the best choice that was
available to me. The lesser of two
evils, so to speak. I don't feel that
the Lord has penalized me for any of my choices. I continued to work as hard as I could
following the inspiration he was sending me, and I have made tremendous
advances that have helped many singles in the church. But I felt all along that he was preparing me
for something else. I told him I didn't
want that first trial again, that he needed to find something else for me. This time I wanted to marry someone I really
LOVE, not just the person He picked for me, that I needed to help.
Right now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful LDS guy I
have had a crush on for a long time. I
just told him my story. And he told me
his. He is Bi-Sexual. And struggled all his life with the Church's
teachings and the prejudice that exists against him. It is my turn to help him. Everything I have gone through in my life has
prepared me to be a support for him. The
Lord knew what he was doing this entire time, and even though I couldn't see it
in these Middle Moments, all will work out in the end if we will just listen
and obey those promptings, even the ones no one else can understand.