This was just emailed to me. She said that part 2 would follow.
Ok, so I am a unicorn. The single girl that plays with a married couple. The girl that every guy wants in his fantasy with him and his girl/wife. I am also a Returned Missionary, Ricks and BYU alumni, lifetime member from convert stock (who can be just as anally black and white as pioneer, lol), and divorcee who is struggling to remain active in a church that seems to be primarily for families because even though 60% of our membership or more is single, 90% of them are inactive.
Ten years ago, I would never have imagined I would be doing these things now. Twenty years ago, I couldn't even wrap my mind around anything but the eternal family, idealistic Mormon view of perfection. And I still feel that I am being inspired to carry on the Lord's work in spite of this, and through study have even begun to suspect that my behavior is not all that evil in the Lord's eyes. That maybe even he wanted me to get here. I need to share my story, and find a path for myself and others, who are one of fifty single women for the (maybe) ten active men. This is maybe not the right choice for many Mormons (or Christians), true, but please listen to my story before you condemn me.
It's hard to tell my story and remain anonymous. But I have reached the stage where I almost no longer care. I want things to change in the church so badly, and I even feel the Lord does too, and supports me. For my earlier, relatively minor infractions, I lost my callings, and there is no place in this church for the person who is not given callings. Now, although I know I am strong enough to make it somehow if I desired the calling badly enough, I have realized that if I, an active leader in the singles program that the church wants and needs, can't find a place for myself without a calling, how can all of the dozens of other less active members, single or otherwise. If some of my friends were to read this and recognize who I am, I hope they would come to me so that we can talk. I doubt any of them would find and read this unless they were searching for something, too. Maybe even I would find my mate that way, a guy who can open his mind a little bit and be unselfish enough to share me. My new views don't accept that women have to do all the sharing in the practice of polygamy.
But I am getting ahead of myself. So even though this will be long, let me start at the beginning and try to entertain you.
I, Molly Mormon, married a guy from the wrong side of the tracks, who promised to give up smoking, drinking, drugs and attend church with me. I did this because the Spirit told me I needed to, to raise two stepchildren in the church, and I was promised he would join. He did, but never made a full conversion. At the end of our marriage, they all came back into his life, and also a girl half his age to boot. I tried to keep it going as long as I could, because I wasn't a failure, good Mormons didn't get divorced. But finally I walked into my Bishop's office and asked if I could get out of it without the church or the Lord condemning me, and he asked, "What took you so long?" However, it's not as easy as all that.
For the majority of our married life, the sex was great, and held us together. A sex life that averaged probably six days of the week. Even at the end, even when he was having the affair, it was not less then every other week. Why is that? Because even though all of the love and trust were gone, the sex had been so good that it had become a chemical addiction in my brain.
Here is a young LDS girl who did everything right. She didn't try drugs or alchohol or cigarettes. She was a virgin when she was married. When she made her covenants in the temple and went on a mission, she kept them, never having sex until she was lawfully married. She covenented this believing in eternal marriage, and that once she was married she would live faithfully and have a forever family. She was given the Lord's blessing to have sex with her husband. And she never committed adultery with anyone else, even though he did not keep the same promises. But then the situation became intolerable and he was sleeping with someone else. No matter how much she didn't want to have sex with him, he knew all the buttons to push. And her body would react without any emotional attachment, even when she abhored him. More so, her own body would betray her after a few days, and after as little as two weeks, the withdrawl symptoms would buckle her resistance. Even when going through the divorce, at least sex with him was still legal in the Church's eyes but it was illegal to date anyone else until the divorce was final. And that dragged out as she fought for her kids and to keep them out of a nasty situation. So she had to find a way to keep away from him and end this before her children's lives were destroyed. The choices: legal sex with an abusive husband, or have a boyfriend who would keep him away from her and try to be good. Good intentions that would inevitably crumble when the addiction took over her will. And the story and the search began.