This is a hodgepodge of thought during a visit by Brittany to our home. Written all by Joe.
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I need to write a bit about what love is, and I need to do it while I’m thinking like this.
Christy is letting me have sex with another woman staying in our home. This woman is really into sex and and is attracted to me. She likes having sex. She is a nice, caring person. She is reasonable attractive. She has many good qualities. I am attracted to her.
But what I feel for Christy is 10,000x more. Christy is so much more to me. And I feel that. I really feel that. If I were to list all the reasons why I love Christy, I could list tons, but it still wouldn’t explain on paper what she is to me. I actually feel something very powerful toward her. I wish I could be analytical and explain what that is, but I can’t. I could try, and I’d be able to explain part of it. I could explain all the ties we have to each other, but that wouldn’t suffice. The feeling is powerful and I wish I could elucidate on it; however it’s a feeling, and I’m not good at describing feelings. That’s why I need to write this now. I want to write this in the moments that I’m feeling it so strong. I want to remember what this is like. I want to never forget this feeling. Christy is everything to me. She is perfect even when she’s not. Even in saying that, it’s descriptive and fails to explain that I mean. I just need to say that this is what love is. What I feel now is true love.
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My wife and I have been swingers for the last five years. Mostly it's same-room full swap. Occasionally we've each been on a couple of solo dates. I have zero jealousy. She has some jealousy. She knows that it's not rational jealousy, and we both know (more or less) what triggers her jealousy.
I know (for the most part) what upsets her. For example, I need to not go have sex with a woman without clearing it with her first. She doesn't want me to get heavily emotionally involved with another woman via text/chat. Yesterday I said, "I appreciate that you've allowed me the privacy of not looking at my phone." She said, "Is there something on there I should see?" I said, "no." She said, "Good, because I really don't want to know." -- I do fear that if she read my phone, she might think that I've crossed her line a few times by getting too close to other women. But in general, my wife takes the approach of saying, "Don't cross the line, but if you do, I don't want to know. You haven't crossed the line have you? No? Good, but I don't want to know if you have, but I hope you haven't."
Personally I don't think it's a good idea for someone to willfully choose to be ignorant, but that's what's she wants to be. To some degree, I understand because she does have momentary flights of jealousy, so she doesn't see a reason to open herself to be triggered. Also, the "lines" aren't very well defined in some cases. Getting "too close" emotionally may mean something different to her than to me. What I may think is ok may set her off, so we agree to keep her out of the loop on some things.
The problem I'm having with all this is that I fear that one day she will reverse her decision to read/see everything, and then she'll decide that I've been crossing her line for all this time. The only way for me to know that I'm in safe territory is to show her now, but she doesn't want to see.
When I want to address specifics, she tells me that I'm too OCD and that I'm trying to address every possible scenario, which she says is impossible to predict. She just says, use common sense.
Next morning…
We had a good, long talk. We defined poly for us. She understood. I explained that I want her to always fill 95% of my desires, and that others will likely not fill more than 5%. I explained that her remaining ignorant wasn't helpful to me, that I need her to let me know when her desires aren't being met. I think things are good.
I do develop feelings to some degree for the person I'm sleeping with. I think I am poly by nature. My wife does say, "be loving to me", "be present", "spend time", but she also says, "don't text too much". Those are all pretty vague and she is a pleaser, so she doesn't complain until I've gotten really far off tract. She still has ownership mentality a bit, but that’s rooted in our religious upbringing. I have it too, but I’m trying to let go of it and I think that scares her that I’m willing to let go of ownership of her. I try to be supportive of helping her work out her own issues about this without making her feel like she has a problem that needs to be fixed.
Brittany is coming to visit for 3 days. She’ll be here in two hours. Christy is nervous and is cleaning the house. She is accepting but worried. She isn't upset but is quiet. We've talked it all out before. Right now we're quiet. She says that she's "fine". -- I've told Brittany that we can't have sex in the master bed, but everywhere else is fine. Christy doesn't want to see our PDA.
Later first night.
We're all back at our house now. Brittany is in the shower. Christy is headed to bed. Christy said, "Go have fun." I'm waiting for Brittany to get out of the shower, then we'll play. So far so good. (We all went to dinner and had small talk. Christy and Brittany like each other.)
Next morning
Brittany and I had sex in her bed (guest room), then I went back to Christy in the master bedroom and she asked for sex also. Which I happily accommodated. All seems to be OK. We're all up this morning and going to a park together. Christy says she's fine. She's a bit quiet, but says she's fine.
That afternoon
Brittany and I have had sex twice in the guest room since arriving. Once per day. Christy and I have had sex twice also. Christy SEES that I pick her over Brittany, but Christy still feels irrationally threatened. I think that if she could TALK to Brittany about this fear, that she'd work through it, but Christy won't tackle it head on.
Maybe I'm doing "poly" wrong. I don't understand or like the idea of keeping everyone separate.
Am I supposed to say to my wife, "I'm going out. I'll be back in a day or two." That won't fly with her or me. And we're not publicly out of the closet (yet). So no holding hands in public with another woman. Seems best if everyone knows everyone else and all is on the table, rather than living separate relationships. Or maybe I don't understand what poly is?
I posted a question on an online forum about jealousy in this situation, and someone wrote back, “If what she needs right now is to put her head down and avoid conflict while your girlfriend is here, then let her.”
That's exactly what I've told her. I've told her that if she wants to not talk now, that's completely fine. I've also said that I hope that she'll talk to me about her feelings afterward. I've said that if she's NEVER going to be able to talk about her feelings about this visit, then that's not going to work for me, and then I'll need to give up on polyamory.
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The visit concluded well. I had sex with Brittany once each day and kissed her and was affectionate to hr a few times each day. I spent a lot of time with Christy having sex and having our usual marriage intimacy conversations and holding and kissing her. The three of us went out a lot during the visit.
For the final play session, I invited Christy to join me and Brittany. She tried, but she was feeling jealousy, so she calmly pulled back from the situation. I sensed it, and it was fine. Brittany had a good orgasm. I didn’t. Later that night, Christy and I played alone and had a great time.
In all, it was a learning experience, and I think everyone had a good time.
