Friday, July 15, 2016

Written Boundaries

Joe and I talked a whole lot last night and this morning. He wrote an email telling Tori that the relationship was over. He wanted to send it last night. I told him to wait. I wanted to be the one to do it and to explain why. I didn't want him to take that from me. I wanted to be the one to appear strong. I met with Tori for lunch today. I was fully ready to tell her that it was over. Joe had asked that I tell him the moment the luncheon was over so that he could send the email demonstration our unity that it was over. I am 100% sure that that is what Joe thought would happen.

Here’s what happened. I told Tori that I wasn’t able to maturely handle the relationship between all of us and the professional relationship. She completely understood, and she was OK ending it. She admitted that she was attracted to both me and Joe and that her husband was attracted to me. She is very level headed and super chill and measured. She said that she was hoping to see where the relationships would go naturally, and she was very willing to comply with all my boundaries—she just didn’t know what they were, and in all honesty, I hadn’t previously told her. I’m just as bad a communicator with our swinging partners as Joe is with me. Joe is actually much better at communicating with our swinging partners than I am. I’m too much of a pleaser that I just let myself get railroaded over. The conversation with Tori was great. It was so empowering to me to be able to tell another woman what my boundaries are and that I expect them to be respected. I am 100% sure that Tori will respect them. Tori and I decided to continue the sexual relationship as long as we all are fine with the boundaries.

After the two-hour luncheon, I called Joe and immediately said, “Don’t send the email!” He was dejected. I could sense it. He had totally and completely become comfortable with ending the sexual relationship. I told him that I’d come home and get him and we’d go for a drive. During the drive, I presented him with the plan. I asked him if he wanted to go forward with it. He was genuinely hesitant. He feared that he’d screw up again and violate boundaries. He was insightful enough to recognize his potential for failure. But at the same time his 16-year old libido was begging him to try. He said he needed to think about it. He said that the boundaries would need to be written out so that he couldn’t later claim misunderstanding. He said that all the fine points needed to be addressed, and that penalties need to be set. We agreed that if the rules were too strict and the penalties too harsh, that there was no point in even trying—at some point his “stupid man” will take over, and he’ll step over a line for just a moment: (too many eggplant emojis in a text, too long a smile at her at work, etc) and then we’d be divorced. Neither of us wanted that.

So we sat down and created a written document. We “negotiated” by sending it back and forth between us until we both felt that it was complete. It was actually a very good exercise. I hope it works. He does too. I feel like we have both grown from doing this. We could have easily both agreed to halt the relationship, but we feel that it’s worth seeing if we can grow with it and allow it to make us into enlightened people. I like the idea of being a “sugar mama” and controlling the environment. I like being able to set the scene. And Joe loves sex with Tori (or any woman). So let’s see if we can both keep it together and follow our own rules.


  1. So a written document.sent back and forth...known only to you, joe and the NSA.

    Did your magna carta include swinging solo? Just curious.

    Actually i would like to read the whole thing.
    perhaps we can all learn line by line precept by precept.

  2. I think understanding what you decided on will be of interest and help some who follow your story here. I think the process you have described is as important. No two relationships are the same so no two lists or no two processes of coming up with that list would be the same, but hearing what you have done will help others learn.

    I remember once coming home from work with flowers for my wife on my birthday. It meant far more to her than flowers on her birthday as I was thinking of her on a day when our culture says I could have been concentrating on me. I'm sure that giving flowers like that would not work for all, but the idea of something to make her know how special she is would be a good thing to do for any relationship. I see sharing the list as a way to look for things we can do when something has happened to mess up the trust in our relationships.

    I for one am in a relationship where an improvement in trust would be very helpful so for the next while I will be trying to find a way to get a list to help me do what she wants to show she can trust me again.