Latest "Orgy" that we hosted

Joe here.

We had the “orgy” last night. We’d been mentioning it for a few weeks online.

Now, when we say “orgy”, don’t think that it was togas and a pile-on. It was 16 people. They were all dressed nice. We socialized for a while and got to know each other. We knew about half of them already. The other half we had invited based on their online profiles and the validations of others. 

We played a little get-to-know-you, sexy-ice-breaker game which lead to kissing and making out. 

Christy had her new boy Brad there. She gave him a blow-job and made out with him. We had a single-lady friend with us there: Mary. Mary had sex with Brad. (Brad is huge and Mary was willing.) Mary also gave me a blow-job. I also got a blow-job from a very hot woman who we’d never met before. She and her husband were pretty quiet, but she enjoyed going around giving mini-blow-jobs.

Shelly and Jason were there. They were the first couple who we’d ever had sex with in our home. (See June 26, 2016). I did Shelly doggy-style on the floor for a few minutes—just for fun. Neither of us were trying to get done, but it was just for fun. I reached around and rubbed her clit and she enjoyed it.

Christy (yes, my own wife), had me sit back on a chair and she straddled my lap and we had sex. She came. I held back.

Meanwhile, everyone else was having sex all over the place. I couldn’t keep track of it all.

The highlight for me was Kelly. She and her husband are 26 years old, but she acts older. They said that they’d been turned down by couples in the past for being too young. We told them that we don’t have a problem with their age. Kelly likes being in control. She likes the guy to just lay back and she’ll do it all. She doesn’t even really like the guy to move. She likes to hesitate, taunt, and tease as she kisses. She likes giving “interesting” blow-jobs as she moves slow then fast. She doesn’t cater to the rhythm of the guy. She’s into it for her pleasure, and that was pretty erotic. Eventually she told me to put on a condom and she wanted me to lay face up on the floor. She mounted me and put me inside her. I put my hand on her back and on the back of her head. She nicely grabbed my hand and held in to the floor above my head. She thrusted up and down. I tried to match her pace, but she told me to slow down. She actually didn’t want me to move at all. She was “using” me as her dildo. She reached down to rub her clit hard as she came the first time. She told me that if I go slow, she’d come again. I thrust in and out at what I thought was a very slow pace, but she told me to go slower. I basically just stopped moving. She leaned over me and pulled my head up to one of her tits, so I sucked on it and rubbed them. She came again hard. She smiled and thanked me. She then asked what I wanted. I asked if I could be on top. She enthusiastically said, “sure!”. We traded positions, into the standard missionary position. I thrusted for about 30 seconds and she made the traditional movements, and I came hard. I thanked her very much. (Did I mention that she is young, hot, and super attractive in every way?)

There was another woman at the party who was very attractive. (Actually everyone was very attractive). This woman had perfect, large breasts (fake, but awesome). She’d never had a full-swap with anyone. She was asking me if I wanted to fuck her. I really did earlier in the evening, but by now she was drinking too much, and I’d just orgasmed. I didn’t feel like she was really able to consent. A couple of hours prior, she was interested in sex with me, but she wasn’t explicit at that time. I’m 99% sure that it would have been fine at this point, and her husband was fine with it. She ended up having sex with another guy. I prefer that the person with whom I’m having sex is not intoxicated. I want them to be fully participating in the sex.

It was a great evening. I think that everyone who wanted to had sex. (There was one little tiff because a guy had gone into another room to have sex with a woman, and apparently that was against the rules between him and his wife. When his wife found out, she was upset and left. She came back and got bugged at him in front of the other woman [the woman who was drunk who I declined to have sex with], then the wife left again. The husband went after her and they went home and dealt with it. We knew this couple from a previous event. They had no issue at the previous event. And we know they are a full-swap couple. We’re not really sure what happened. That’s between them.)

We’ll call the evening a great success for us. Both Christy and I had a great time and did what we wanted to do. We’re sure we’ll do it again.

How Joe Feels

So how do I feel? In general, very good.

When Christy came back from her romp with Brad, I was indeed concerned about her bleeding. She showed me. But she wasn’t overly concerned. She and I had caused her worse with various sex toys over the years.

I’ve been on an odd train for the past 5+ years. The Odd Sex Train. It’s all laid out here on this blog over the years. Where does it go from here? Who knows. But I know that it’s not as predictable as most people’s life-train. And that’s one reason why I like it. I like that it’s impossible to know where it’s going. If my life were just one 1,000 mile, straight, flat, train ride from beginning to end, I might as well have jumped off at the beginning and rolled in the dirt. 

There is some truth to the idea that I keep wanting more and more when it comes to sex. I want to see how wild a ride we can take without crashing the train. I got very close to doing that about six weeks ago. Not that that was a good thing because she was very close to leaving me, but I now know where the boundary is and why it’s there. I now know that the boundary isn’t necessarily sex but is my failure to disclose about sex/drugs/money/etc. She wants honesty.

I mark yesterday as a landmark day in our lives. I remember the day when we first went to a strip club (Sapphire) in Las Vegas and she got a VIP lap dance from an experienced stripper and had an orgasm. That was the first day that I’d ever been in a strip club in my life. I remember the day that we first had oral sex from another person, and the day that we had sex with other people, and the day that we hosted our first sex party, and the day that I kissed a woman without my wife present (but she knew about it in advance). Yesterday was a momentous day, and we both knew it because we were both anxious about the build-up to it. That anxiety is a rush! And other than the penis-size issue, it worked out just as expected and couldn’t have been better for both of us.

As we debriefed (mentally) with each other last night, I said that I didn’t want to go to sleep because it’s like it’s Christmas day, and if I go to sleep then when I wake up it won’t be the same day. We also talked about how sexual escapades like this can’t be equally mirrored. If we had done the exact same thing but in the opposite roles, there’s no way that Christy would have wanted me to do the same thing, and I know that and accept that. We both inherited our roles from the society we were raised in and live in. And we have to play by the rules of society because that’s what we live in. I said that it wouldn’t work to do a reversal, to have me try to pick up on a woman. I know how single guys look to women online. I know how I’d look. Christy was kindly dismissive of my self-deprecation, but we both know that a reversed situation wouldn’t have turned out as well for either of us. As we laid in bed last night we briefly discussed the concept of me trying to pick up on a woman at a bar. I’ve NEVER even considered doing this in my entire life. I’d seen it done in movies hundreds of times, but I’ve never even been in a position where that would be possible, and I know that movies are fake and that women wouldn’t respond to me unless I were one of those actors and we were both following the script. I told Christy this. She was again kindly dismissive. I followed with, “and I know that you wouldn’t want to stand there and watch me do that, because that’s the only way that I could dare try it, is if I knew that you were there and supporting it.” She said that if we were to try it that we’d have to do it in Vegas rather than in our home town. I replied, “Do you worry that we’re going to inadvertently pick up on the bishop or his wife in our local bar?” The conversation topic trailed off.

I then joked with her about introducing her new boyfriend to her colleagues at work and bringing a “plus two” to the Christmas party. In the last 48 hours, I referred to Brad as her “boyfriend”, and Christy smiled but didn’t dislike the term, even if it were too soon to embrace it. Even during all of this, I kept up on replying to a couple of emails from the runners-up from Friday night. If it turns out that Brad isn’t a good “fit” for Christy, then she and I agree that she’d be open to trying it with another guy, but I think that other than penis size, she got very lucky with Brad. He seems super awesome and kind and real. My guess is that most of the alternative wouldn’t have worked out as well. But now that she’s had a success, she may be willing to tolerate a failure.

—

The Closet

We went out to dinner, just the two of us, last night. (Yes, again on a Sunday.) And she even had a beer. (Yep, alcohol is something new we’re trying.) We don’t like most of the taste nor the calories, but we enjoy the feeling and the ‘naughtiness” of it. As we looked around, we both said that we really do feel good about where our lives are going. We do feel like we’re in control and we feel no shame or guilt or evil or sin. We just feel happy. But we do feel a bit worried. Our worry is about if we fall out of the closet. (We felt safe about having a beer in public on a Sunday. Who would see us and report us?) We know there’s some risk. Christy is more concerned about us being outed than I am. She is worried how some of our children may react. (Beer and missing church is one thing. Swinger celebrities is another.) As a side note, it’s interesting how well “transitioning mormons” can tolerate and support each other’s drinking, smoking, swearing, sleeveless dresses, and pre-marital sex; but they really seem to detest swinging. Just look at Reddit. Christy had to delete her recent post on the ex-mormon subreddit. But when we do stumble upon other LDS swingers, they, like us, do claim/blame that the church had/has a major role in their swinging.

Anyway, back to the story. Christy is worried about coming out of the closet because of how kids may respond. I think it would have a major shift in their respect for us. They probably wouldn’t understand, and kids shouldn’t have to deal with their parents’ sexuality. The other issue is work. We’re both well placed in our careers, and our mormonism is known at work: more for her than for me. For her, her mormonism plays a somewhat significant role in her professional work. If it were reveled that she was a swinger, it will have a seismic shift in her work environment. I think she’d recover, but we’d lose friends and ties. So we chose to remain closeted. 

We know a couple, a minor-celebrity swinger couple. They are well-to-do and totally out of the closet. They’ve been out for many years. They run businesses outside of swinging and they don’t/can’t hide their swinger status, and it doesn’t appear to have a negative impact on them. They recently had their first child. It’s no doubt that the child will one day know of his parent’s swinger status. We wish that we were that couple. But we’re not and we can’t be. Until recently, we were hard-core active mormons. And many people think we still are. Our kids are young adults and for the most part they think that we’re socially conservative. We don’t have the luxury of being who we want to be without shocking those who we care about. Maybe we’ll make the transition over time; maybe we’ll slip up and out ourselves inadvertently. But for now, we’ll remain in the closet with just a toe and nose out the door. 

I'm back from my solo date . . .

I’m home! Let me tell you about my experience this afternoon.

--

I got myself checked into the hotel room, then I texted Joe the room number. I told him to text or call me 60 minutes after Brad arrives. I told Joe that I’d let him know when Brad arrives. Brad texted me to tell me that he was going to be a few minutes late because of traffic. I had texted him earlier to let him know that I have only an hour to play. I’m not the kind of person who can have sex for hours: I orgasm easily and after 20 minutes, I’m totally wiped out.

Brad arrived at the hotel room and he said that because we didn’t have much time that we should get right to it. I was totally on board.

Because he’s so tall and I’m petite, he sat on the side of the bed and we started kissing. He unzipped my dress and I helped him get his clothes off. He complemented me and told me that I had a better-looking body than he’d imagined. He was being kind, and I hope honest.

His cock is huge! I mean too huge. The head was large, but he got massively thick as it when down to the base. I’d seen a lot of penises at our parties, but I’ve never seen one this large. At it’s base, it IS as large as a coke can. He wasn’t kidding when he told me that he and his last girlfriend broke up because he was causing her too much pain during sex. I asked him if anyone has ever been able to deep-throat him. He said no. I said I’d try. (I’m pretty good at that.) I wasn’t able to get it all the way in my mouth, but he said that I did better than anyone else ever had. I did gag a few times. 

We hadn’t discussed the end goal, so I asked if he wanted to cum in my mouth. He said that he’d like to cum in my pussy. He genuinely forgot his condoms in the car when he pulled up. He was getting his clothes back on to go get them when I stopped him because Joe had put some in my purse. (They ended up being VERY small for him and just rolled down over the head.)

After I gave him oral for a while, he laid me back on the bed and gave me oral. He was good. Almost as good as Joe. He made me cum. Then he laid back on the bed. I climbed on top of him and straddled over him. I slowly lowered myself down onto his cock, but it really was too large. I know that this sounds like a freaky kinky erotica story, but it was the honest truth. I just couldn’t do it. He felt bad that he was hurting me, and I felt bad that I couldn’t do this for him. 

I laid back down on the bed on my back with my legs over the side of the bed. He fingered me for a while, trying to gently stretch me out. I’ve learned to like spanking, the pain makes me cum. So even though the stretching was a bit painful, the more I orgasmed, the more I relaxed. Then, I had him kneel at the side of the bed and let him gently slide his cock into me. He eased into it so-as to make sure that it wasn’t hurting as much as before. I asked him to slap my ass. (I had told him at he bar on Friday that when I feel pain, it puts me in a zone and makes me euphoric.) He didn’t slap it too hard, not as hard as I have Joe do it. Eventually, he was able to get into me.

Now that I was more stretched and more in-the-zone, I had him get back on the bed on his back. (It was then that I realized that I hadn’t texted Joe to tell him that we’d started. I quickly did and told him to give me 30 more minutes before worrying about me.) I asked Brad if I could take a picture of him and his large cock. He let me. The photo is of him laying back on the bed, fully nude, with his erect cock right there for me to see. I had to have proof of what I was experiencing.*

I then tried again to ride him cow-girl. I knelt over him and let myself down on top of his cock. (Yes he had a condom on whenever he penetrated me, but because of his size and the regular sized condom, I can’t guarantee that we were ideally protected. Don’t lecture me about that.) Now that I was juicy and looser and more euphoric, I was able to take him in me. I still had to lean forward to accommodate him. If I leaned back, I felt him ram against my cervix. During the whole experience, I came somewhere between seven and ten times. He was able to cum in me. It was great! I’ve been with many guys who haven’t been able to orgasm. When I pulled off of him, he felt so bad because of the blood. It wasn’t super bad, but it was obvious. 

We went to the bathroom and cleaned up. Using the white bathroom towels made the blood look worse than it was. I told him that I’d be fine. I’d once had a ball-like toy stuck in me that Joe had to yank out. It had split me bad. I probably should have had stitches, and it took weeks to heel. This was nowhere near bad as that.

We both got dressed and thanked each other for the experience. I told him that I’d be up for doing it again. He told me about a court case that he’s working on. (He’s in law school). I told him that I’d like to read the paper that he’s working on about the Mormon church’s real estate holdings. We walked out together and we went to our respective cars.

After I got home, I told Joe all of this. He was so turned on that he jacked-off on my chest. He watched me as I texted Brad back to thank him for the experience. Joe said that he liked seeing the giddy smile on my face as I did that. I told Brad that I’d be up for a nooner in a few days or next week. I told him that I’d need a few days to recuperate. Most guys would think that I’m complementing him, but Brad is sensitive and doesn’t like being so large, so he did feel bad about hurting me. I genuinely understand why he feels like it’s a bit of a “curse”. Most guys would think that it’s great to be huge, but unless you’re a woman with a large vagina, sex with Brad isn’t easy.

—

*I wanted the photo so that I could show it to Tori. I kind of want to make her a bit jealous. She has bragged about how big her husband’s cock is. I also want to show Joe to that he’d understand why there’s blood in my panties and why I need a couple of days before we can fuck. I sent the picture to Joe just before I got home and walked in the door. 

Christy is with Brad right now!

Christy walked out the door about five minutes ago to go meet Brad for sex. She booked a hotel room nearby. 

All morning long, she was getting more and more anxious. This was manifest by her talking less and less and deflecting when I tried to talk about it. I could sense that she was on the fence. I knew that she was in knots even though she wasn’t showing it. She was bottling it up. I knew that it was best that I try to not have us talk about it. 

She showed me the texts that she and he were exchanging this morning. It was mostly scheduling and planning. Not much in the way of flirting on her part, but maybe just a little. He was definitely more excited that she was. I could tell that she was getting anxious. 

I stayed away from her for the last couple of hours. I asked her (via text) if I could help with anything. She told me that she was getting freaked out about his size and was sick to her stomach and getting a headache. I asked her if she needed to cancel, and I told her that she should. She told me that she’s doing this totally for me. I do feel bad if that’s 100% the case. When we’ve spoken about this over the last couple of days, she said that she was doing it for her also. We’ll see how this goes. It could go many ways: anywhere from really bad to really good and anywhere in between. 

When Christy came out of the room just before leaving, she had a nice dress on and was made-up very pretty. She had her bag with her that I suspect had sex toys and lube in it. She smiled at me with a smile of worry and anxiety. She said, “I’ll be back later.” Some of that cryptic-talk was for the ears of kids down the hall. Then she walked out the door like she’s going to do something she doesn’t want to do. (Should I add that as she left, Sacrament meeting was underway? None of us made it to church today.)

She just got to the hotel room and texted me the room number. She texted me to tell me that he’s running a few minutes late due to traffic. Once he gets to the room, she’ll text me to let me know, then 75 minutes later I’ll call her. If she doesn’t answer, then I’ll go over there and knock on the door.

No matter what happens, we’re already on a path that is brand new. And it’s happening right now.

Rules

Because someone recently asked, I'm posting the 'rules' that Joe and I made for him a few weeks ago after the issue we had with him and Tori.

Boundaries with Tori and Steve (Steve is Tori's husband)

1. Communication.
1. Joe must show Christy all written communications with Tori within 24 hours of them being written. Ideally sooner. If Joe fails to do so, Christy will not be mad, but the consequence will be that we will not have sex with anyone other than each other for 30 days. If Joe repeatedly fails, this will be grounds for halting the relationship with Tori and Steve.
2. Joe will respond to texts from Christy as fast or faster than texts from Tori, especially while at work. Joe will increase the sexy text and emails to Christy.
2. Christy as Priority.
1. Gifts: Joe will provide an increase in gifting to Christy: candy, sodas, etc. Joe will never send flowers to anyone other than Christy.
3. Dating: Weekly dates with minimal phone/computer interruption: the park, concert, dinners, movies.
1. Getaways: we’ll always have a getaway planned for just the two of us. (i.e. Las Vegas).
4. Proportions: spend at least 5x as much time on Christy as on Tori. Send Christy 5x as many courting conversations as to Tori.
5. Flirting: Joe will flirt and sexually touch Christy at work in front of Tori.
6. Permissions
1. Sex: Joe can not have sex with Tori without explicit written permission from Christy pertaining to that specific encounter.
2. Kissing and touching: Joe is permitted to kiss Tori and touch her boobs (not her crotch) without permission from Christy.
3. Being alone with her: Joe can be alone with her without permission.
4. Orgasms: Joe can’t be with her while she’s having an orgasm without Christy’s permission.
5. No sexual/sensual contact in our hometown while others can see.
7. Obedience
1. If Christy states that something is to be done (or not done), Joe will do it. It would be most helpful if directives are via text or reminders in the phone.
2. Christy has the unopposible and indisputable authority to halt the relationship with Tori and Steve.
8. Planning: Joe will do his utmost to not push the sexual agenda ahead of the others’ natural pace.

Joe wrote all of that and I agreed to all of that. He has a bit of Aspergers in him, as you can tell. He wrote is so that he could not late make justifications for himself if he did something wrong.

Turns out that we didn't need most of that, since the relationship naturally cooled. Currently, there is almost no spark between Tori, and Joe; nor between me and Tori. We're back to a a work-only relationship. It's friendly, but that's about it. It's not impossible that it could reignite, but Tori took offense to something that both Joe and I did. Something VERY small and odd. We never would have known if she hadn't have told us a couple of weeks ago. We both apologized to her. I think she then felt awkward about it afterward, so now things are a bit awkward, but are getting better. This is why we're moving on to 'HotWifing' at the moment.

Hot Wifing It

Sept 2

We posted an ad on Craigslist. It says that I’m 40+ and that I want a quickie. I showed pictures of me from the neck down. In a day, it got responses from about 60 guys. I narrowed it down to about five. We messaged them and accounted for guys who are fake and flakes. We worked it out for me to arrange to meet a guy tonight at a downtown hotel bar. Assuming that he is who he seems to be online, we'll chat and then go up to the hotel room that I have and we'll have sex.

Then I go home and tell my husband about it.

Sept 3

I did it! Sort of. 

Joe and I got to the hotel early. Joe went across the lobby and watched me at the bar lounge. The guy I arranged to meet (Brad) showed up. I talked to him intimately for almost two hours while my husband watched hidden from a distance. Joe make himself scarce. Only after did I realize that he never left, but watched me from hiding. That’s fine, but I’m glad that for a while I didn’t think he was watching. It made me feel like I could not worry about what Joe was thinking while I was conversing with Brad.

In those two hours, I learned a whole lot about Brad. I confirmed this all on Facebook and though other people afterward. (Turns out that he dated [and dumped] a young hot woman who used to be one of my subordinates at work.) He was like a cute boy who was so excited to be with an older woman. (I’m not bad looking for my age.) He keep asking why I picked him. Honestly it was kind of just luck. Turns out that he’s a lot more awesome that he looked in his photos. He's 25, he's in post-grad school, he's 6’9”, he's very well spoken and well read. He knows a lot of people, but he’s not braggy about it. He comes from a well-known family. (I was really thinking that he should be dating my daughter, but he's still a bit old for her. Would it be weird for me to fuck my future son-in-law?) He knows that I'm Mormon, but that I’m in the midst of a faith progression. I wasn’t wearing any panties under my dress if that explains where I am spiritually or sexually. Once I felt comfortable, I told him my real name and where I work.

I guess this is what dating is like as a single person. It’s just that I haven’t done this in 20 years. It feels amazing and liberating and very nice to know that my husband is genuine when he tells me that I’m desirable and beautiful. It was nice to hear that from someone else too.

Before meeting Brad, I truthfully told him that I was getting over a cold and that I wasn’t up for playing on the first date. I didn’t want to have a coughing fit during sex. 

We arranged to play on Sunday (tomorrow). I’ll get a hotel room. Joe won’t be around (his choice). Brad said that he welcomes letting Joe watch if he wants. Joe wants me to experience this without me having to think about him watching. Brad said that I could videotape it for him, but Joe and I agree that it would put the same “pressure” on me. Joe and I want me to experience this as just one-on-one.

Brad wanted to play today (Saturday), but it just wasn’t working with my schedule, and I want one more day to recover from my cold. Will I be skipping church to meet him? If I must.

After the date, I walked Brad out the entrance of the hotel. Joe came up to me. Joe was fine. As Joe and I drove him, I told him everything about Brad and our conversation and plans. I also half-jokingly told him that he should feel a bit intimidated. (My husband picked the guy, so he can take some of that blame. He later pointed out to me that in an earlier email from Brad that he claimed that he’s 8” long and “very, very, very think. Almost like a Coke can.” Yikes! We’ll see. Brad did tell me that things didn’t work out with his last girlfriend due to pain during sex from his size. It didn’t feel like he was bragging. He acted like a hurt puppy dog. I guess I’ll need to bring extra lube. All my kids were via c-section, so I worry that I may not be able to accommodate his size if he’s being genuine.) As I told Joe all about Brad, I could sense (and he admitted) that he was feeling a bit more intimidated and jealous than he had expected. I told him that I was a bit pleased that he was feeling jealous. He now knows how I felt when the situation was reversed with him and Tori. I think that he’s really starting to get it now. I didn’t mean that in a “neener, neener, in your face, you deserve this” kind of way. Joe even says that this . . . well, I’ll let him tell his side of things now. Hopefully the next time you hear from me, I will be able to regale you with stories of the 8” Coke can.

—

Joe here now. What have I done!? Yes, I picked the guy out of a group of reasonably looking guys. What the heck is a guy like this doing on Craigslist!? He’s too good for this. Apparently he has done this with two other couples in the past. Both failed (per him) for reasons not due to him. He is hoping for an ongoing relationship with Christy. She said that he’d like that. I was thinking that this was going to be a one-night-stand and that she’d find a few things wrong with the guy after having sex with him. Currently, she’s quite smitten by him, and she’s loving the look of panic on my face. (I’m being very sure to put down the toilet seats and get her flowers. She is totally loving this!) She’s told me that I need to keep wooing her. 

We had a good long conversation last night. She readily stated that if I’m REALLY worried, that she will drop the whole thing. I told her to go ahead with things. This feeling that I’m calling “jealousy” is brand new to me. In 20 years of marriage, I’ve never felt whatever this is. I like feeling something new. Having a new feeling makes me feel more “alive”. I guess it’s why people see horror films, which I never do, or why people go or death-defying expeditions, or why teens cut themselves. I’m choosing to embrace this new feeling and see how I can manage it rather than having it manage me. I want to allow Christy to enjoy this sense of freedom and empowerment. She said that she finally feels like she’s in total control. I told her that she was always in control, but I guess she didn’t believe it. Now she believes it.

With swinging, women are in control, but the control can be the kind of control that is used to stop a situation, not always the kind that moves the engagement along. Christy always had the power to reign things in, but because I have such a huge drive, I’m usually pushing forward in multiple directions at 110%, and it’s up to her to decide when and were to pull me back. In this situation with a solo guy, I can’t do anything other than reel her in if I choose. 

Risk

This morning, I started reading Tristan Taormino’s book, “Opening Up”. I’d read it before, but I wanted to read it again. I really recommend it. Chapter 3 mentions that there are 3 things that we usually want to get out of a monogamous marriage: sex, romantic love, and long-term attachment. 

When I was having my fling with Tori, Christy was worried that I was going to allow myself to get pulled in by her and that because Tori is young and fertile and I am “rich”, that I could potentially run off with Tori and start a new family. I found that proposition to be preposterous. Tori has an extremely good-looking husband, (so much hotter than me); I’m a dork; I’m marginal at sex; I’m an introvert; and I don’t want to hurt my wife and kids; and I don’t want to have to give half of my stuff to my future-ex-wife; and I know that I’ll discover all sorts of weird things about Tori in a month or year and I’ll then miss my super foxy ex-wife. Despite all this, Christy was still worried about me having a polyamorous relationship with Tori.

Now that Christy is feeling what I call “polyamory” toward Brad, I’m saying, “hey, the tables are turned. So now that’s OK?” Christy’s response is that she is no longer fertile (due to surgery), Brad will want kids some time, Christy won’t have the future earning potential that I have, so she says that he’s not as great a catch as I am for someone looking long term.

Christy is looking at the risk of these relationships as to how they affect things long term. That’s why she sees Tori as more of a threat to our marriage than I see Brad as a threat. I look short term. I dismiss and don’t even recognize the risk of long-term consequences. I can’t seem to fathom anything more than two years away. I figured that I’d have a sexual booty-call relationship with Tori for a year or two at most, if even that. When I think of Christy as having that with Brad, that DOES bug me a bit. I think of him taking her for a week to the Caribbean and taking her on a private jet. (I mentioned this and she got all giddy. I felt jealousy raise up in me. She laughed sinisterly, and then I laughed timidly.) I said, “It’s supposed to be ME who takes you on those lavish trips. He’s just a guy that you’re supposed to bang once or twice, then move on to the next cock. You’re supposed to enjoy the screw, but then find some big fault with the guys that I don’t have.” I didn’t say this in anger or with any emotion. It’s just what I expected was going to happen when we started this path. I really didn’t expect her to be so smitten.

Because these feelings are new, they are exciting and scary at the same time. I feel good that we’ll work though them. I told her that if were her roommate and best friend, that if she’d come home from this date, I’d be so happy for her. I AM her roommate and best friend, so from that perspective I AM so happy for her. Because she is my favorite person in the world, I do so much want her to be happy and joyful in life. I want her to feel new things. There was a time when I had thought/wished that I could have been the provider of all those feelings for her, but I now recognize that no one person can be all things to any other one person. 

I love her so much that I (think) am willing to lose a part of her if it brings her more happiness. Until last night, neither of us even knew that was an option.