We posted an ad on Craigslist. It says that I’m 40+ and that I want a quickie. I showed pictures of me from the neck down. In a day, it got responses from about 60 guys. I narrowed it down to about five. We messaged them and accounted for guys who are fake and flakes. We worked it out for me to arrange to meet a guy tonight at a downtown hotel bar. Assuming that he is who he seems to be online, we'll chat and then go up to the hotel room that I have and we'll have sex.
Then I go home and tell my husband about it.
I did it! Sort of.
Joe and I got to the hotel early. Joe went across the lobby and watched me at the bar lounge. The guy I arranged to meet (Brad) showed up. I talked to him intimately for almost two hours while my husband watched hidden from a distance. Joe make himself scarce. Only after did I realize that he never left, but watched me from hiding. That’s fine, but I’m glad that for a while I didn’t think he was watching. It made me feel like I could not worry about what Joe was thinking while I was conversing with Brad.
In those two hours, I learned a whole lot about Brad. I confirmed this all on Facebook and though other people afterward. (Turns out that he dated [and dumped] a young hot woman who used to be one of my subordinates at work.) He was like a cute boy who was so excited to be with an older woman. (I’m not bad looking for my age.) He keep asking why I picked him. Honestly it was kind of just luck. Turns out that he’s a lot more awesome that he looked in his photos. He's 25, he's in post-grad school, he's 6’9”, he's very well spoken and well read. He knows a lot of people, but he’s not braggy about it. He comes from a well-known family. (I was really thinking that he should be dating my daughter, but he's still a bit old for her. Would it be weird for me to fuck my future son-in-law?) He knows that I'm Mormon, but that I’m in the midst of a faith progression. I wasn’t wearing any panties under my dress if that explains where I am spiritually or sexually. Once I felt comfortable, I told him my real name and where I work.
I guess this is what dating is like as a single person. It’s just that I haven’t done this in 20 years. It feels amazing and liberating and very nice to know that my husband is genuine when he tells me that I’m desirable and beautiful. It was nice to hear that from someone else too.
Before meeting Brad, I truthfully told him that I was getting over a cold and that I wasn’t up for playing on the first date. I didn’t want to have a coughing fit during sex.
We arranged to play on Sunday (tomorrow). I’ll get a hotel room. Joe won’t be around (his choice). Brad said that he welcomes letting Joe watch if he wants. Joe wants me to experience this without me having to think about him watching. Brad said that I could videotape it for him, but Joe and I agree that it would put the same “pressure” on me. Joe and I want me to experience this as just one-on-one.
Brad wanted to play today (Saturday), but it just wasn’t working with my schedule, and I want one more day to recover from my cold. Will I be skipping church to meet him? If I must.
After the date, I walked Brad out the entrance of the hotel. Joe came up to me. Joe was fine. As Joe and I drove him, I told him everything about Brad and our conversation and plans. I also half-jokingly told him that he should feel a bit intimidated. (My husband picked the guy, so he can take some of that blame. He later pointed out to me that in an earlier email from Brad that he claimed that he’s 8” long and “very, very, very think. Almost like a Coke can.” Yikes! We’ll see. Brad did tell me that things didn’t work out with his last girlfriend due to pain during sex from his size. It didn’t feel like he was bragging. He acted like a hurt puppy dog. I guess I’ll need to bring extra lube. All my kids were via c-section, so I worry that I may not be able to accommodate his size if he’s being genuine.) As I told Joe all about Brad, I could sense (and he admitted) that he was feeling a bit more intimidated and jealous than he had expected. I told him that I was a bit pleased that he was feeling jealous. He now knows how I felt when the situation was reversed with him and Tori. I think that he’s really starting to get it now. I didn’t mean that in a “neener, neener, in your face, you deserve this” kind of way. Joe even says that this . . . well, I’ll let him tell his side of things now. Hopefully the next time you hear from me, I will be able to regale you with stories of the 8” Coke can.
Joe here now. What have I done!? Yes, I picked the guy out of a group of reasonably looking guys. What the heck is a guy like this doing on Craigslist!? He’s too good for this. Apparently he has done this with two other couples in the past. Both failed (per him) for reasons not due to him. He is hoping for an ongoing relationship with Christy. She said that he’d like that. I was thinking that this was going to be a one-night-stand and that she’d find a few things wrong with the guy after having sex with him. Currently, she’s quite smitten by him, and she’s loving the look of panic on my face. (I’m being very sure to put down the toilet seats and get her flowers. She is totally loving this!) She’s told me that I need to keep wooing her.
We had a good long conversation last night. She readily stated that if I’m REALLY worried, that she will drop the whole thing. I told her to go ahead with things. This feeling that I’m calling “jealousy” is brand new to me. In 20 years of marriage, I’ve never felt whatever this is. I like feeling something new. Having a new feeling makes me feel more “alive”. I guess it’s why people see horror films, which I never do, or why people go or death-defying expeditions, or why teens cut themselves. I’m choosing to embrace this new feeling and see how I can manage it rather than having it manage me. I want to allow Christy to enjoy this sense of freedom and empowerment. She said that she finally feels like she’s in total control. I told her that she was always in control, but I guess she didn’t believe it. Now she believes it.
With swinging, women are in control, but the control can be the kind of control that is used to stop a situation, not always the kind that moves the engagement along. Christy always had the power to reign things in, but because I have such a huge drive, I’m usually pushing forward in multiple directions at 110%, and it’s up to her to decide when and were to pull me back. In this situation with a solo guy, I can’t do anything other than reel her in if I choose.
This morning, I started reading Tristan Taormino’s book, “Opening Up”. I’d read it before, but I wanted to read it again. I really recommend it. Chapter 3 mentions that there are 3 things that we usually want to get out of a monogamous marriage: sex, romantic love, and long-term attachment.
When I was having my fling with Tori, Christy was worried that I was going to allow myself to get pulled in by her and that because Tori is young and fertile and I am “rich”, that I could potentially run off with Tori and start a new family. I found that proposition to be preposterous. Tori has an extremely good-looking husband, (so much hotter than me); I’m a dork; I’m marginal at sex; I’m an introvert; and I don’t want to hurt my wife and kids; and I don’t want to have to give half of my stuff to my future-ex-wife; and I know that I’ll discover all sorts of weird things about Tori in a month or year and I’ll then miss my super foxy ex-wife. Despite all this, Christy was still worried about me having a polyamorous relationship with Tori.
Now that Christy is feeling what I call “polyamory” toward Brad, I’m saying, “hey, the tables are turned. So now that’s OK?” Christy’s response is that she is no longer fertile (due to surgery), Brad will want kids some time, Christy won’t have the future earning potential that I have, so she says that he’s not as great a catch as I am for someone looking long term.
Christy is looking at the risk of these relationships as to how they affect things long term. That’s why she sees Tori as more of a threat to our marriage than I see Brad as a threat. I look short term. I dismiss and don’t even recognize the risk of long-term consequences. I can’t seem to fathom anything more than two years away. I figured that I’d have a sexual booty-call relationship with Tori for a year or two at most, if even that. When I think of Christy as having that with Brad, that DOES bug me a bit. I think of him taking her for a week to the Caribbean and taking her on a private jet. (I mentioned this and she got all giddy. I felt jealousy raise up in me. She laughed sinisterly, and then I laughed timidly.) I said, “It’s supposed to be ME who takes you on those lavish trips. He’s just a guy that you’re supposed to bang once or twice, then move on to the next cock. You’re supposed to enjoy the screw, but then find some big fault with the guys that I don’t have.” I didn’t say this in anger or with any emotion. It’s just what I expected was going to happen when we started this path. I really didn’t expect her to be so smitten.
Because these feelings are new, they are exciting and scary at the same time. I feel good that we’ll work though them. I told her that if were her roommate and best friend, that if she’d come home from this date, I’d be so happy for her. I AM her roommate and best friend, so from that perspective I AM so happy for her. Because she is my favorite person in the world, I do so much want her to be happy and joyful in life. I want her to feel new things. There was a time when I had thought/wished that I could have been the provider of all those feelings for her, but I now recognize that no one person can be all things to any other one person.
I love her so much that I (think) am willing to lose a part of her if it brings her more happiness. Until last night, neither of us even knew that was an option.